I have always struggled to make friends. I have no confidence or self esteem, and a horrible bout of bullying through secondary school made things even worse.
The various health things I have going on add to this. When I met my partner, I had two friends, one of which lived 3 1/2 hours away by car. Through my boyfriend however I started to meet people. I started to get invited to things. I still struggled to socialise because I found it hard to understand why people would want to talk to me, but it was a start.
Then the physical health problems started. I had to keep turning down invitations, either because my stomach was playing up or previous occurrences of having to speed to the bathroom had left me terrified. Then because I kept saying no, naturally the invites became less and less. One of the girls who I was becoming friends with is getting married soon. I haven’t been invited to the wedding. Pictures of her hen party on Facebook made me want to cry because I want to be part of a group of friends. I of course don’t blame her, and didn’t expect an invite, but it still hurts. I was too embarrassed to explain why I couldn’t come to things so they must just see me unsociable and miserable. Which to be honest at the moment I am.
I still have the two friends. The girl who lives far away has been my friend for a long time, but distance and her having two children mean it’s hard for us to see each other. The second friend has been in my life for about 9 years. He’s been a great friend through many things, but I even feel like he’s slipping away sometimes. He does know about my health problems and is very understanding, but when you keep cancelling on someone because you’re afraid you’ll be unwell, it’s bound to have an impact. There are two girls at work that I think (hope) consider me friends, but I recently found out they’ve been organising trips and things without me. I don’t blame them.
The hen party pictures were doubly upsetting because they made me think of my own wedding. I won’t have a hen party because I have no one to invite. I might have one bridesmaid if my faraway friend can make it. These feel like big things to miss out on.
I know this sounds like a pity-party, but I wish so much that I had friends. I’m so lonely.
Incidentally, I write this from a GP waiting room while I wait for what I think may be a course of antibiotics. I’ve been trying to resist taking them but they have tried everything else and I think today I have to accept the inevitable. I’m afraid they’re going to make my stomach bad again like before, and make things worse when the fodmap diet was at least starting to help. Wish me luck.
Resting Frown Face 